'What would you be if you weren't Irish?' asked the barman. Pat replied, 'Ashamed!' There are two types of people in this world: the Irish, and those who wish they were. But wherever you're from, The Little Book of Irish Jokes is packed with grand gags and Celtic wisecracks that will give you the gift of the gab and a belly full of laughs.

Folklore, humor, proverbs, toasts -- and blarney!

If an Irish person said to you, "Gimmie that yoke," would you think they were talking about an egg? If so, 99% of the time, you'd be wrong. How about banjaxed, bockety or craic? Any idea what they mean? The Little Book of Irishisms is for anyone who wants to understand the Irish, not just our words but how we are as people, relaxed about some things, picky about others. It's also for those who'd like to sound Irish, even just for Paddy's Day. You'll learn tricks to Irishify your chat - and how to avoid those clangers that people think we say but never do, like the classic, "Top of the morning to you." If you're coming to Ireland and want to fit right in, this book's for you. If you can't make it, here's a way of visiting in spirit. "Go on, go on, go on. You will, you will, you will," to quote the infamous Irish comedy, Father Ted. The Little Book of Irishisms is the perfect novelty gift for St. Patrick's Day, as a Christmas stocking filler, or at any time to someone who appreciates what it means to be Irish.

Here are 500 of the very best one-liners, groaners, and limericks to come from a people who turn them out.

This bumper collection of Irish humour covers topics such as Absenteeism and Zoos and everything in between. It would be disappointing should such a large collection not include the best of famous Irish wits such as Oscar Wilde and George Bernard Shaw, but the emphasis is very much on contemporary Irish humour from the likes of Tommy Tiernan, Dylan Moran, Ardal O'Hanlon and Dara O'Briain, to name just a few. Lunatic, iconoclastic and, as Spike Milligan might have put it, involving 'sideways thinking', this is Irish humour at its very best.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 9 pints What do you call a man with a 2 inch penis? Justin What's pink and hard in the morning? The Financial Times crossword Did you hear about the consignment of Viagra pills stolen from a warehouse? Police are on the lookout for hardened criminals An aeroplane is about to crash, when a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, 'If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.' She removes all her clothing and asks, 'Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?' A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, 'Here, iron this!' The greatest ever collection of dirty jokes guaranteed to offend and outrage the prudish. Full of hilarious gags, it's totally politically incorrect, unashamedly x-rated and downright filthy. Definitely one to keep well out of the way of the mother-in-law...